Artifice and Ash

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Alan Jackson Garrett is not available at the moment. If you would like to leave a message, please wait until after the tone. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please shut the fuck up and die in righteous hellfire. To skip the following menu options and go directly to the tone, press 1. To reconnect with reality, press 2. To reach the funny little voice that may or may not be Satan whispering in your ear, press 3. To stop trying to make sense of things and just go with it until you get a moment to finally shoot yourself in your cocksucking mouth like you’ve been trying to avoid thinking of doing for the last five years, press 4. To remember Alex mentioning that his gun is still in his room, press 5. To decide to go get Alex’s gun and shoot yourself in your cocksucking mouth once you are done doing what the funny little voice that may or may not be Satan tells you to do, press 6. To find a window that fucking breaks when you try to break it, please hang up and try your call again.

Thank you.


Hey Alan? Buddy? It’s me… Yeah, I know, the last thing you want right now is for your conscience to start nagging at you again with all that ‘What are you doing? Why are you wearing that? Do you really need this right now?’ nonsense, but listen… I know things are kinda rough right now, and to top off all the craziness, you’re starting to hear voices… Well, a voice, but beside the point… Shooting yourself? Seriously, buddy? I thought we were getting past all that… Remember the promise we made when we first came to Rhode Island? You know… don’t let that prick who got your mother pregnant with you be right?


Yeah, I really didn’t want to sound this naggy right now, but hey, at least we had some fun last night, right? All I did was remind you to drink some water… I mean, two hits of acid and three of ecstasy… Remember; LSD stays in you for a while, and being a bit dehydrated on top of that certainly doesn’t help, so right now I wouldn’t take what you’re seeing so seriously. Besides, that Otto guy, as cryptic as he was trying to be, really sounded like he knew what was going on, and we have been after answers, right? Remember when you were a little kid? You used to think it’d be so cool to be a bank robber? Well, here’s your chance, big guy. Your shot to live that dream. Tell ya what, I won’t even try to stop you from taking any money. But you gotta be there, buddy. You know that Terry and Abigail are terrible liars, and Z is more likely to pull a gun than pull a con. Alex may not be the best person for you, but he did get you stable when things weren’t lookin’ too good. Are you really gonna leave him hangin’? He can’t keep everyone together without you…

So, tell ya what, let’s go ahead and take a bit to collect. I don’t know about you, but I think that, with all the stress that’s been goin on, that little voice may just be some part of your subconscious that’s just trying to help you get the answers you’re after. You know, kinda like me?

Heh, you really are having trouble with windows, aren’t you? First the farm, then back at your place, now at the hospital… Maybe from now on, you should try opening it before y- No, nevermind. I’m not nagging.

Just… (sigh) just take some time during the walk to breathe a bit. Maybe talk to the little voice. I’m sure it seems weird, but it’s more likely the drugs than any major psychosis, so just relax and enjoy a little conversation with it. Then, when you’re done at the river, head on over to Z’s place and meet up with the rest of the gang. Maybe if you talk it out with them, things won’t seem so bad, okay?

Anyway, hit me up when you get this. I miss talkin to ya.




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